A Memoir
The Secret I Carried to Church
For most of my life, I protected the secret.
Now I am ready to tell the story.
“The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;Psalm 18:2
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”
Contents
The introduction is complete and can be read in full. Chapters are added here as they are finished.
- Opening Introduction
- Chapter One Coming soon
About the book
Some of my earliest memories are of church. I grew up in a Pentecostal household where church wasn’t reserved for Sunday mornings — we were there six days a week. And for a long time, I loved it.
Then, when I was eight years old, a relationship I trusted completely changed. For the next eight years, two loves — for God, and for the person hurting me — became tangled with fear, confusion, secrecy and pain.
At eighteen I walked away from the church that had been my entire world. Two years later, the family member who had abused me died, and whatever questions I might someday have asked him died with him. He was gone. The secret wasn’t. I carried it for more than forty years.
This book is about those years, but it is also about everything that came with them.
Questions readers ask
What is this book about?
It is a memoir about a girl who grew up in a Pentecostal household, in church six days a week, and who loved it. At eight years old she was abused by a family member she trusted completely, and the abuse lasted eight years. The book follows the faith that slowly turned to anger, the decision to walk away from church at eighteen, the abuser’s death two years later, and a secret carried for more than forty years.
Is it about faith, or about abuse?
Both — because in this story they were never separate. The prayers and Scriptures learned in church were the only things I knew to reach for during the abuse. Psalm 18:2 is the verse this book returns to again and again: first as comfort, later as a question.
Does it end with every question answered?
No. I wish I could tell this story as a straight line from hurt to healing, with every question answered along the way. That isn’t my story. There are still things I don’t understand, and there are conversations I will never get to have.
Where can I read it?
The introduction is here in full. Further chapters are published on this page as they are finished.
A note before you read
This book describes childhood sexual abuse. Please read at whatever pace is right for you, and stop whenever you need to.
If this story touches something in your own life and you would like to talk to someone: in the United States, RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline is free and confidential, 24/7, at 800-656-4673 or rainn.org. Elsewhere, befrienders.org lists helplines by country.